How MS helped my marriage

I know that some people are going to take this the wrong way. But I want to express this because, sadly its true. My husband having MS has opened my eyes and possibly saved my marriage.

Over the past few years, there have been quite a few times where I have thought that I was done. His moods were out of control at times. I thought he was bipolar. Times would go where he would be on the ball with helping around the house and then there were other times, where it seemed like all he did was sleep. Times it seemed like everything bothered him and no one wanted to talk to him. He would blame me for anything and would take responsibility for nothing.  We would do everything separately, just to keep the peace.

Then he ended up in the hospital with stroke like symptoms, due to his high blood pressure. He was on meds for it, so they did testing to see why this was happening. During this, I would not leave his side. Which helped me realize that no matter how much he drove me nuts, I did care. (which honestly I was in doubt of). He was told that he might have MS, but needed to get his blood pressure under control and re-do the MRI six months later.

Over this 6 months, knowing there very well could be something wrong, but not knowing for sure, my emotions were up & down again. Hated him for sleeping so much. And when he wasn't sleeping, he was working long hours, leaving me with the kids all the time.  And then there were times where he was so helpful, and wanted to spend every waking moment with us. I tried to push my feeling aside but they slowly resurfaced again. This again, made me re-think if I cared anymore.

Then in May the diagnosis came. And by this time, the MS had progressed enough that about the same time of diagnosis, he got his first flare up. He couldn't really walk AT ALL. We have a 2 story house and the stubborn man he is, would not stay upstairs. I was following him around like a toddler trying to walk. Since this was new to him, his balance was horribly off. He couldn't lift his leg at all and at times needed my help getting dressed.  This lasted close to a week.

I could see the frustration in his face. My husband doesn't cry at all, but I swear he was on the verge a few times and held it back. So I did the crying for us both, after everyone was in bed.  There was nothing I could do. I didn't know exactly what he was going through. I can't feel what he was feeling. I could only assist in any way I could.

At first my thoughts were "I fell more like a nurse then a wife."  The fact that I felt like this killed me. But even still I was right there. I mentally took on everything. I made it in my mind, that he couldn't do anything. I was willing to do everything. I started pricing rancher style houses and figuring out expenses as if he had to go on disability. Then I realized, I was doing this all, so he didn't have to...he had enough to do deal with. he had to learn a whole new way of living with this new disease.  Then I realized...if I am willing to stand by this man, and push all my feelings aside, I care enough the go through this with him. I married him for better or worse and I am not a quitter, as he isn't either...he is still here too.

He made it through the flare up, and was able to ease back into work. But through reading about MS symptoms, and thinking back.....WOW....he's been dealing with MS for almost 5 years and we didn't know it. His symptoms were making me hate him. How messed up is that to think about?? My marriage could have ended because of things he could not control and was not aware of what was happening.

Knowing all of this now, helps me keep a little calmer when I am getting frustrated. I have come to terms that he can't go go go, do do do. Now I when we simply go run a few errands, yes he may NEED a nap, its not him just being lazy.   When he comes home from work early, I don't get annoyed at the money he is missing out on, I see it as "he's having a bad day and needs to rest".

Through this I also think its helped my husband realize that when he is having a good day, he can take advantage of it a little and take the kids to the park or help with housework. He doesn't think as much as before "it can wait" or "ill do it later", which in turns has helped me appreciate what he does more often then not.  I am learning Patience with him and he is finally learning to open his eyes to many things and actually 'listen' now when I try to communicate with him & not shut me out as much.

Like now, he is taking a nap.  In the past I would get annoyed and think...why go BACK to bed after you have already been awake, just stay up and get shit done. But I let him sleep because although I was trying to fix toilets at 2am...he had morning insomnia...and did a little grocery shopping for me.

This man, fighting with a new diagnosis, still does more then a lot of other men I have seen and heard of. He is trying his best to not let this keep him down. And for that I cannot complain.

Sad but true, too often we see illness make people finally open their eyes, and not let the little things in life get them so angry anymore.

Guilty thoughts

Hubby went back to work this week. And since its been really hot this week, he has been coming home exhausted, as expected. He lays around for a while. Tried to play with the kids. But then its rest time again. Then he will wake up and do a load of dishes. Rest time again.

I have been trying to keep up with housework, in the mornings, before I have to log on for work. But then what happens is that I am ready for a nap, as I need to start working.


SIGH

Then I feel guilty for feeling like this. I sometimes still want to yell at him to clean up his stuff. Then other times I feel like I am not allowed to say a damn word. Where is the happy medium?


He can barely walk and when he does, he has no balance & walks into things. So it takes extra effort to walk at all, for him. Who am I to expect him to walk to the kitchen and put a dish in the sink?

He can push himself at work, but can't put his stuff away at home?

Normally I would be huffing and puffing and pissily telling him how it is. Instead now I just sit back, and do it myself. 

Let him sleep Heather - I tell myself.  He "claims" he doesn't sleep at nights. if that's true how is he getting by? Any normal person would not be able to go days with that little sleep.

Am I a horrible person for not being able to just let it go and realize that he IS different now?

First BAD weekend

Hey all!
Sorry I didn't get a chance to post this weekend. I DID hit up Bath & Body Works and Charming Charlies for a little haul that I do plan on posting about either today or tomorrow.

But Friday night started a long weekend for my husband. He had his first MS flare up and it pretty much paralyzed him for 2 days. He was reliant on his cane all weekend and I was following him all over the place  & having to help him get dressed. 
He was forced into a weeks vacation - NO WAY could he make it at work.
Along with it, he was running a fever. So we are not sure if the fever was MS flare up induced or if the MS flare up was because he was sick and had the fever. But either way, it was pretty rough for him. I felt bad. I felt pretty much helpless. 

But the meds FINALLY start tomorrow, and we are all hoping that helps. 

On a side note, I think we came to terms that our next home will NEED to be handicap accessible, even if not needed at the time.

Our new journey....and it sucks!

It's scary to think that new little habits you acquire, and don't think anything about, could very well be warning signs, of something bigger. Something that can be halted in its tracks. But you don't know any better. You think its nothing and go on with your life.

This is what has happened to my husband. A few new little habits, that I kept getting bothered by. Asking him why he was doing it. And him thinking I was just trying to find something to complain about.
NO....here we are about 5 yrs later and he's been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

Its only been a week now and we are currently waiting for medicine. Eagerly awaiting. His symptoms are just getting worse. It s really hard to sit back and feel like you need to watch every step your husband makes, as if he's a toddler learning how to walk.

He has barely any movement in his left leg - it just drags. No pain....its just not working. This is now causing some balance issues. I saw this quote the other day and thought I might need to use it some day. Well, today is that day.

 

My husband ran into the wall a few times yesterday. But in his normal fashion...he made it look like he did it on purpose and laughed about it.Then I proceeded to stick my foot in my mouth and says "Ugh, can you stop doing that?"  NO, he can't stop doing that. No matter how hard he tries to play it off as a joke, its happening, and its out of his control.

Now, my husband doesn't voice his own feelings and fears.....EVER, so I have to read into him.... A LOT. And the way he has been coping with this lately is by making jokes. I am glad he can do that, but it kills me to think what he is really feeling inside. I am hoping that he will see how I AM here to support him and he will realize he CAN talk to me & ask me for help.

 So, I might be posting some blogs on here to voice feeling I THINK he might be having and to voice my own thoughts, feelings and fears as well.

I hope you all understand that I might just need to vent sometimes.