Monday, April 28, 2014

Not sure if I should really post this but....

I have started so many blogs and so many vlogs, with photos or videos of myself, and just can't bring myself to post them. Heck, by the time I post this, I will have probably re-written it ten times.

I don't feel like I can be on camera because, I am very unhappy with how I look right now. 
No matter what some people may think, I am not OK with it. My weight issues are always front and center for me - ALWAYS have been .  I may now be a little harder and bitchier and demand respect, but its all because of how I felt in high school. I was  that shy little girl with the glasses, who was was looked past, while her friends got the attention. I was the fat one of the group (at a whopping 125 lbs).  I always felt like I was in the shadow of my friends who were prettier and skinnier then I was. I knew the boys were all looking at them & not me. If someone seemed interested in me, I felt like it was because someone else turned them down. Heck there were times,  I even felt like I was part of a bet of some sort.  And the only person who made me feel comfortable as myself, had to be a hidden.  Much like I feel now.  I feel like I have to hide my true feeling now, about a lot. I'm an adult...I know I should be able to speak my mind, but I bite my tongue all the time. And I am still that little shy high school girl, who feels no matter how pretty she feels, the guys will still be looking at someone skinnier then she is. I have a year.......until my 20th reunion......

 I have tried to embrace my body & curves and I just can't. And I really don't want to hear anymore that if I want it, I will make it happen. Screw that! Sometimes life just doesn't allow it, with the job, and the house chores that need to be kept up with, and the trying to find time to schedule it. With my life the way it is, I have to go to the gym in the morning and be on a time limit, or really late at night. I can't consistently schedule it in the mornings because there are times I only get 4-5 hrs of sleep and who wants to go works out first thing in the morning on that kind of sleep.Or what if Brian gets home late...I don't want to force him to wake up and take the kids to school, just so I can go to the gym.  And I'm not going half asleep at 11pm, by myself - NO THANKS!  So I only go when I can, but that changes every week. Then I start to think "whats the point of going for 2 hrs once a week, not gonna lose any weight that way"... and that's why I gave up for 6 months, along with having some off the wall pain, which everyone just chalks up to my profession (at a desk all day) or from my weight. I feel like its a no win situation sometimes and I really feel like people just don't get it.  Some people can change their eating habits and lose weight - well f*cking good for you!   I have to try sooo hard to lose weight, but if I go off course the slightest bit, boom 5 lbs back.
All I have been told my docs is that due to my age, my metabolism has slowed down. Well thanks.....I've always had a slow now what????  I have changed some eating habits of mine, to the point where its now normal. I used to HATE water ad now i don't even buy soda but maybe once a month.

People who don't care about losing weight don't pay for a gym membership & i did. I was very proud of myself for taking that step. Yes I didn't go for a while, but I never fully gave up....I never cancelled that gym membership. I have faith that my schedule will allow it someday.

I had a blog a while ago, and didn't make it public because I was afraid that someone would think it was corny and stupid, or that someone thought I was looking for attention. That feeling will be VERY present once I post this also. But its called freedom of speach for a reason, right???

I have been bit with the vlogging bug, but....I don't feel like I can post the type of material I want because ....well....who wants to watch a fat mom follow her kids around all day?? And who wants to watch a fat mom talk about the boring clothes she has to buy to cover up her fat rolls?

I know its up to me & only me, but I just really  wish I had a diet or gym buddy, that was consistent.  Everyone I know is either on a different schedule, or can't go to the gym for whatever reasons.

I am not looking for pitty or attention.  I am not looking for anything. I just wanted to vent about this without feeling like someone thinks I am pathetic.

No matter what though, I do know that, no matter what my size, my daughters will love me no matter what. And I just need to make sure I remain healthy for whatever size that may mean. 

 Vent over.