Finding time & making excuses

OK, here we go again. Another diet/exercise revelation I have come to. I want to get back to the gym. Heck I am still paying for it, for the simple reason that I have NO excuse not to go, as long as I have a membership. But damn if I haven't been great at finding one excuse after another. UGH

But this time I NEED to. I need to stop fighting it. I am NOT happy with my body at all so I don't know what makes me not want to. Other then the fact that my life takes up so much time, I have to "find time" to hit the gym. And for me, having to "find time" to do anything optional, is not always an option.

I admit, as a mom of 3 with a husband who works nights, when I have nothing to do, that is just what i want to do, NOTHING.

I told myself when school started... last year....that I would hit the gym after dropping off the twins, everyday, even if it was only a 20 minute workout. Something is better then nothing. And I did good with this for a while. Not getting much in, in the morning, made me push to find time in other areas of my day. Then I decided, to swap drop offs with Brian, and take the earlier drop off, so I could get in a 45 min morning work out. This lasted all of about 2 months.  I was starting to have aches and pains for no reason. I had to take ibuprofen just to go to the gym. And I wasn't seeing results. So I gave up for a while, to let my body chill out, so I could better analyze what was going on.
Then winter hit and it snowed all the time. I hate the snow.

Spring came......once again I was all gun ho about doing this. I hit the gym on a Saturday afternoon so it wasn't too busy and I came out to a flat tire. Really?????  I have a paranoia about flat tires, so now my brain is associating the gym parking lot with getting a flat. UGH

Then I told myself that I was going to force myself to wake up a little early, at least 2-3 times a week during the summer, and get in an hour at the gym before work. We are on week 3 of summer and I am still making excuses. I DID go out and buy some new clothes for the gym so I can't use the excuse that I don't have the right things to wear.

My last step to making sure I have no excuses, is getting back to going to bed earlier. I have been side tracked by taking the kids out every night and we all end up being up until 1 or 2am, but I need to get back to an earlier schedule again, so its easier for me to get up earlier like I want to.

I can do this....I NEED to do this......I should probably be at the gym right now as I type this.....

Not sure if I should really post this but....

I have started so many blogs and so many vlogs, with photos or videos of myself, and just can't bring myself to post them. Heck, by the time I post this, I will have probably re-written it ten times.

I don't feel like I can be on camera because, I am very unhappy with how I look right now. 
No matter what some people may think, I am not OK with it. My weight issues are always front and center for me - ALWAYS have been .  I may now be a little harder and bitchier and demand respect, but its all because of how I felt in high school. I was  that shy little girl with the glasses, who was was looked past, while her friends got the attention. I was the fat one of the group (at a whopping 125 lbs).  I always felt like I was in the shadow of my friends who were prettier and skinnier then I was. I knew the boys were all looking at them & not me. If someone seemed interested in me, I felt like it was because someone else turned them down. Heck there were times,  I even felt like I was part of a bet of some sort.  And the only person who made me feel comfortable as myself, had to be a hidden.  Much like I feel now.  I feel like I have to hide my true feeling now, about a lot. I'm an adult...I know I should be able to speak my mind, but I bite my tongue all the time. And I am still that little shy high school girl, who feels no matter how pretty she feels, the guys will still be looking at someone skinnier then she is. I have a year.......until my 20th reunion......

 I have tried to embrace my body & curves and I just can't. And I really don't want to hear anymore that if I want it, I will make it happen. Screw that! Sometimes life just doesn't allow it, with the job, and the house chores that need to be kept up with, and the trying to find time to schedule it. With my life the way it is, I have to go to the gym in the morning and be on a time limit, or really late at night. I can't consistently schedule it in the mornings because there are times I only get 4-5 hrs of sleep and who wants to go works out first thing in the morning on that kind of sleep.Or what if Brian gets home late...I don't want to force him to wake up and take the kids to school, just so I can go to the gym.  And I'm not going half asleep at 11pm, by myself - NO THANKS!  So I only go when I can, but that changes every week. Then I start to think "whats the point of going for 2 hrs once a week, not gonna lose any weight that way"... and that's why I gave up for 6 months, along with having some off the wall pain, which everyone just chalks up to my profession (at a desk all day) or from my weight. I feel like its a no win situation sometimes and I really feel like people just don't get it.  Some people can change their eating habits and lose weight - well f*cking good for you!   I have to try sooo hard to lose weight, but if I go off course the slightest bit, boom 5 lbs back.
All I have been told my docs is that due to my age, my metabolism has slowed down. Well thanks.....I've always had a slow metabolism...so now what????  I have changed some eating habits of mine, to the point where its now normal. I used to HATE water ad now i don't even buy soda but maybe once a month.

People who don't care about losing weight don't pay for a gym membership & i did. I was very proud of myself for taking that step. Yes I didn't go for a while, but I never fully gave up....I never cancelled that gym membership. I have faith that my schedule will allow it someday.

I had a blog a while ago, and didn't make it public because I was afraid that someone would think it was corny and stupid, or that someone thought I was looking for attention. That feeling will be VERY present once I post this also. But its called freedom of speach for a reason, right???

I have been bit with the vlogging bug, but....I don't feel like I can post the type of material I want because ....well....who wants to watch a fat mom follow her kids around all day?? And who wants to watch a fat mom talk about the boring clothes she has to buy to cover up her fat rolls?

I know its up to me & only me, but I just really  wish I had a diet or gym buddy, that was consistent.  Everyone I know is either on a different schedule, or can't go to the gym for whatever reasons.

I am not looking for pitty or attention.  I am not looking for anything. I just wanted to vent about this without feeling like someone thinks I am pathetic.

No matter what though, I do know that, no matter what my size, my daughters will love me no matter what. And I just need to make sure I remain healthy for them....at whatever size that may mean. 

 Vent over.