Wednesday, October 28, 2015

My husbands MS affects us all

SIGH.......

I'm not even sure where to start. But I felt I needed to get this out.   As I sit here with my eyes welling up, once again today, there are so many thoughts and emotions, I really don't know where to begin or what to focus on.

The last...I would say...month....has been pretty rough in our house. There is just sooo much going on at once, and none of it can be put on the back burner and none of it can be "completed", and checked off the list. 

I am feeling so alone right now. And I can't even say that to my friends or family really, because they take it offensively because I haven't tried to reach out.I havent' because, they won't make me feel better...right now the only one who can make me feel better is my husband. And he isn't there for me...and I am trying my damnest to not be at him about it.
So lets just start from where the downhill spiral started, honestly.

About a month ago, a family member decided to surprise us, with bringing our twin daughters a bunk bed.  No notice, just showed up and started loading it in my house. Thought they were doing us a favor.   Appreciated, but I am one of those people...you better ask me first.
I know this may sound like nothing, but keep in mind, I was sleeping in my twins room, for the last 2 yrs. Things weren't going well with me and Brian, and we both have our own habits that annoyed each other and it was just easier.  As time dragged on, it became the norm. However, over the summer, things were nice with us. We were getting along!! My mom had another fall and was in rehab and we thought that was it, and I was worried about my dad and all...and it seemed like he was trying to cheer me up a lot.  Little things he would do to let me know he was there for me. 

So when these beds came in... first, I never wanted my kids to have bunk beds and I didn' t think my kids really wanted them either. But I let it go, I let them be installed, all because my husband actually said to me "I just want my wife back".  Now my husband is very cold when it comes to emotions, so hearing those words being spoke sincerely, sent flutters straight to my heart.

For the first 2 nights things were great, although I did find something to complain about every night for about a week.  Then one day he said to me "You are like a drug addict right now going through withdraw. You will get over it."  Sounded mean and funny, but it made sense. So I chilled out.

Everything was fine for a few more days. Then it was our anniversary. He worked for some of the day, stopped and got me a gift on his way home, then took the kids out to the park so I could work. When he came home, he was pretty much in his room all night. And I realized he really wasn't saying much to me. By the time I was done everything, and went to bed, he was snoring. OK....happy Anniversary...

Over the next week, I had to deal with doctors appointments to get my own health issues analyzed (my doc thinks I have Fibromyalgia) and on top of it, my mother wasn't doing too well, all over again.  And this time we knew it was because something SHE was doing because she was fine while in the rehab home.  So we all kinda of needed to babysit her now.  I NEEDED MY HUSBAND. Even if it was just a random hug or sleeping next to me without crawling to the other side of the bed.  And he wasn't there.

He continued to ignore me. I kept asking what was wrong he would say "nothing". I slowly started growing angry. He needs to communicate with me!!  He thinks things, and starts to believe them, then I take the brunt for it. WTF did I do to piss you off??????  It turned into a big argument, and just for the sake of pissing him off, I threatened to get rid of the bunk beds and sleep back int he twins room. He said that if I did, our marriage was over.   Again..I stepped back & realized that I was upset about the same thing about 6 mos ago. Wondering if our marriage was over since neither of us seemed to care about sleeping separately.

I chose to not speak for a few days, to allow us both time to think. His actions showed me he was chilled out. So I tried talking to him...every night for about 4 nights in a row. "how are you feeling? Are you having new symptoms? Why won't you talk to me? Please don't be afraid to talk to me, I am here for you." etc etc etc   He finally admitted to me that he was depressed about his MS and the things he can't do anymore.  Hearing this, made me want to cry for him, as I often do.  He never admits to anything.

Over the next following week, his mood swings were soo up and down. I could ignore some of them, as he was just acting the way I do sometimes, but others were embarrassing. He would get highly agitated with the girls, in stores, and get really loud with them, for NO reason at all. I found myself having to try to calm him down a lot, and pretty much tell him to go to his room, while I handle things. I don't want our daughters to feel as though he is upset with them directly. And at the same time, he was giving them more attention than me, and I'll admit, I've been jealous about it. Why can't he be like that with me? I am the one putting up with this shit all the time?!!!

He finally broke down and called our doctor and was prescribed some medicine. He was put on one that should help with his MS pain, walking, and depression. I overheard him say today that he thinks its helping him walk better. (see, I have to overhear him tell other people how he's feeling so I know for myself). Great!!  But his moods are still up and down. I guess that will take some more time.

I did say to him last night, after I sent him to his room for unnecessary yelling, "I am really trying to ignore the outbursts, b/c I do the same thing. And I am really trying to help you get through this. But I can't help you if you don't talk to me & tell me what you are going through."  He simply said "I know."    I do have to say, in the 2 yrs we have been going through this, he has only praised me for being supportive. So I guess that is a good thing??

I feel horrible when I decide to take the girls somewhere that might require more walking then I know he can handle. I think to myself -- I need to at least offer to see if he wants to go. But if I do, and he declines, will that upset him? Should I just tell the girls we can't go, so that he doesn't feel left out? Why won't he just use his cane or a wheelchair?
its not so much that I feel like he is being left out of the event, its that I feel bad for him and our daughters that he is missing out on their lives.

I know that this was a long one, and that it was kinda of all over the place but...I just felt I needed to get it out.  I am just trudging through life right now, not knowing how things are going to go one day to the next (which is really NOT like me). Crying for my husband physical and mental pain. Crying for my kids who in a small way, have lost a part of their dad. And who at the same time, are all at pre-teen ages and having to go through that phase of their own lives. Crying for my mothers issues and for the weight it has on my father.

This is not how I imagine life would be like at 38 with kids, but......For better or for worse....I am here to stay.