Monday, August 4, 2014

Mother's Guilt - summer edition

So, its already the beginning of August and my kids have not really done anything too "fun". Its pretty much been a summer of playing with neighborhood kids for a few hours at night or swimming at their cousins house a few nights a week. That's it!

I feel bad for this because my children see all these other kids taking fun vacations, and going down the shore, and we haven't been able to do that...for a few reasons.

1 - We live paycheck to paycheck. In order to have a vacation we would have to skip paying bills one month and...we lived like that for soooo long that I just can't bring myself to do it again. I now live by the motto, if i don't have the extra cash sitting in the bank now, we can't afford it.  So to make up for this, since we do have a little extra cash, I do try to treat the kids to ice cream a lot or go out to eat more then usual. But its still not a "vacation".

2 - We are very close to getting a new car, but the reason we don't have one yet, depends on a certain issue being resolved. Until that issue is resolved, we do NOT have the monthly funds for a car payment. So in the meantime, we have my current car. Which is not runs...its slowly getting the little things on it fixed. However.... with all of the flat tires I have gotten in the last 6 mos, and air constantly leaking out of the brand new tires, that we had to patch, I am overly paranoid when I drive my car. It's a problem I have had for a while. But usually once a car starts getting old enough and having issues, that its making me nervous, we end up getting a new one. Well, its been 11 yrs now and for the last 5 yrs, I have pretty much not wanted to go more then 10 miles away.  So, this prevents me from taking days off and taking my kids to the shore or to a lake or on adventures. I have about 4 more weeks to get the new car, and take the kids to the lake for some fun. Fingers crossed it happens!!

3 - My husband has recently been diagnosed with MS. And his capabilities of walking any distance,and staying out of the heat, are pretty much not there. He can't be in the heat anymore then like 5 mins. And he really can't walk anymore then maybe 2 blocks away without starting to have trouble.  And its all new to him, so we is not willing to find alternate ways to get around, like motor scooters. he's not mentally at that acceptance point yet. So, we can't really take vacations or go to amusement parks, unless its without him, and that would just kill me if we had to leave him behind.

On top of all this, I work from home. A real job. I get paid hourly, so I need to be online and available and working from 9am-6pm. So, while I am working, my kids are pretty much in the house. We have a small yard that they don't like playing in. We live in a town where I can't just let them go outside, without my supervision. There are not many kids who live on our block anymore either.

I think back to when I was their age... I didn't get family vacation each summer either, but it didn't bother me. Why didn't I feel like I was missing out?  Oh wait, at that age, i lived in Florida.....where we hit the beach every weekend and had a pool to access any time and day we wanted. And, we lived in apartment complexes,,,where there were always kids around. I remember being outside for hours playing, even if it was by myself. (i played well alone as an only child)

These just doesn't happen. We can't allow it to happen because of how cruel this world has gotten. And who takes the parents from all the over protecting we feel we need to do. We are the ones who end up feeling guilty when we can't afford to entertain our children, and we can't allow them to explore the outside like we did....alone.

I year kids. I promise!